Brian, the Great Dog Detective
by WileE2005
Summary: This is actually different from Darth Ben Valor's fanmake of the 1986 Disney film "The Great Mouse Detective" (he did a great job BTW) and is instead mostly performed entirely by the Family Guy cast!
1. Meet the Protagonists

**BRIAN, THE GREAT DOG DETECTIVE**

By Wile_E2005

DISCLAIMER: "Family Guy" is owned by 20th Century Fox Film Corporation, and created by Seth McFarlane. This is based off the 1986 Disney animated film "The Great Mouse Detective." This is intentionally different from Darth Ben Valor's similar fanfic, which I enjoyed, and wanted to do a version that mostly focuses strictly on the Family Guy cast and settings. Enjoy!

Chapter 1:

Meet the Protagonists

The story began on a foggy night in Quahog, Rhode Island. It was almost as foggy as London back in the late 19th century. The Quahog clock tower could be heard striking the hour, sounding very similar to Big Ben, as a dog in the distance was barking. A horse-drawn carriage traveled slowly down the street, the horse sneezing and softly whinnying, the sign on the carriage reading "QUAHOG HORSE-DRAWN CAB COMPANY." The horse and carriage passed a small shop, reading "GRIFFIN'S HAPPY-GO-LUCKY TOYS"…

Inside, Meg Griffin was celebrating her birthday with her kind toymaker father, Peter Griffin, adjusting his apron.

"You know, Dad," Meg said, "this is the best birthday I've had in a long time!"

"Aw, thanks Meg," Peter said, "But I haven't given you your present yet!"

"What is it? What is it?" Meg was excited.

"Now close your eyes," Peter instructed, "and I'll know if you're peeking!" Meg did as she was told, and then Peter set down a toy resembling a large blue flower bud. He wound the key, and a soft gentle tune began to play.

Meg gasped softly as she uncovered her eyes, and watched as the bud opened to reveal a handsome-looking Justin Bieber-esque boy playing a keyboard.

Meg squealed in delight. "Oh Dad, you made this just for me?"

Outside, a small sinister figure was approaching the toyshop. Despite his small size and his peg leg, he uttered an evil laugh…

Back inside, Meg was hugging Peter. "Oh, I love you dad! You're the most wonderful father in the whole world!" But then the door handle began to jiggle. The door was locked, but the handle began to rattle more intensely. It was clearly obvious that it was an intruder. "What's that?!" Meg gasped in fear.

"Holy crap, I don't know," Peter said, also obviously nervous. He quickly whisked Meg into a nearby closet and shut the door on her. "Stay in here Meg, and don't come out…"

Suddenly, a nearby window burst open, smashing all the nearby toys around it, as a menacing cackling baby's face jumped through the window, with freckles, wild red eyes, and a black cap pulled over his small tuft of red hair. This was Bertram.

From inside the closet, Meg could hear the struggle of Peter against Bertram. Meg could hear Peter scream, "MEG! MEGGGGG!" After a few minutes of crashing and yelling, the sounds died down and the lights behind the door went out. Meg opened the door, and looked around. The shop was in ruins, and Peter was nowhere to be found.

"Dad! Where are you?" Meg cried, looking around. "Daddy… Where are-a you?" She climbed to the window. "Daddy?! … DADDY!"

…

FAMILY GUY

Presents

BRIAN, THE GREAT DOG DETECTIVE

Starring

CARLOS ALAZRAQUI – Professor Weed

SETH MCFARLANE – Brian, Stewie, Peter, Tom Tucker, Quagmire

MILA KUNIS – Meg

ALEX BORSTEIN – Lois

MIKE HENRY – Cleveland, Herbert, Bruce

ADAM WEST – Mayor West

WALLACE SHAWN - Bertram

Music

HENRY MANCINI  
RON JONES

…

Meanwhile, in another part of Quahog, another character was arriving, who will narrate his introduction here…

_It was the eve of our good mayor's diamond jubilee, and the year our town's government came… to the very brink of disaster. My name is Dr. Stewie G. Griffin, most recently of Mayor West's recent regiment. I had just arrived back in Quahog after lengthy service in Afghanistan, and was anxious to find a quiet place, preferably a dry one, where I could rest, work on some of my projects, and find a bit of peace. Little did I know that my life was about to change forever…_

Stewie had just climbed out of a taxi cab, wearing his black doctors' suit, derby hat and spectacles, and carrying a black umbrella and newspaper, looking for a place to rent a room. As the cab drove off, thunder crashed in the distance, and it began to rain. Stewie noticed this, and opened his umbrella to keep dry from the storm.

"Ugh," Stewie moaned, "it seems to storm a lot in Quahog. It's almost like living in Dr. Frankenstein's neighborhood!"

CUTAWAY

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein and his assistant Igor, were digging into a grave on a dark, cloudy night. "What a filthy job," Frederick complained.

"It could be worse," Igor said.

"How?"

"It could be rai-oomph!" Frederick slapped his hand over Igor's mouth.

"Don't say that in a town that's always in storm season!" he hissed to Igor.

END CUTAWAY

As Dr. Stewie walked in the rain, he heard crying coming from an alley. He peeked and saw Meg, sobbing all alone.

"Ooh, a crying teenage girl," Dr. Stewie said. "This oughta be good." He walked over to Meg and said, "What's wrong? Get dumped? Mother mistreating you? Too ugly for your looks?"

"No!" Meg cried. "I'm lost! I… I'm trying to find Brian of Spooner Street." She sniffled and handed a newspaper clipping to Stewie.

"Now let me see here," Dr. Stewie said, reading through his bifocals. " 'Famous detective solves baffling drug roundup.' I see, but where are your parents?"

That question made Meg more upset. "That's why I m-m-must FIND BRIAN!" She sobbed into her scarf.

Dr. Stewie looked at her sadly. He actually felt sorry for her. "Now woman, I don't know any Brian, but I DO remember where Spooner Street is."

Meg brightened her face a bit. There seemed to be hope for her.

"Now, come with me," Dr. Stewie said. "We'll find this Brian chap together."

As they walked off, Meg asked, "Gee, are you a baby or something? You sound very smart for your age."

"You know, I never thought about that," Stewie answered thoughtfully.

…

Some time later, Dr. Stewie and Meg arrived at the house of 31 Spooner Street, which was the address mentioned in the newspaper where Brian lived. Meg rang the doorbell (as Stewie couldn't reach it), and the housekeeper Lois answered, her arms full of books, pillows, a teacup and a medieval mace.

Dr. Stewie just sort of glared at Lois at first, but then remembered his manners and asked, "Good evening madam, is this the residence of Brian of Spooner Street?"

"Oh, I'm afraid it is." Lois said. "He's not here at the moment, but you're welcome to come in and wait."

"Oh, I don't want to impose," Dr. Stewie said. "It's just this girl here…" he gestured to his side, only to find that Meg wasn't there. Instead, she was already inside, making herself comfortable in a large armchair.

Among seeing this, Lois threw her load onto Dr. Stewie (but luckily the mace didn't hit him), and removed Meg's wet hat and scarf. "Oh my poor sweetie," Lois said, "you must be cold from being out in that storm! Let me fetch you a pot of tea and some of my fresh crumpets." She rushed into the kitchen.

"Crumpets?" Meg asked.

"I know," Dr. Stewie said, "but at least it's not like the cultural cover-ups they'd do on _Pokémon_."

CUTAWAY

Brock was settling with Ash, Misty and Pikachu in a makeshift campsite in a section of woods.

"Hey guys," he said, pulling out a bowl of Japanese rice balls, only visible briefly before obviously chroyned-in sandwiches covered up the rice balls, "I just prepared some of my famous…"

"SANDWICHES!" a strange voice boomed over Brock's audio.

"Aww," Ash said, "I was hoping you'd make some…"

"CHEESEBURGERS!" the same voice said, dubbing over Ash.

END CUTAWAY

Dr. Stewie and Meg looked around the room in amazement. Stewie noticed some kind of contraption where a propeller was operating a billow that was puffing into several cigarettes, a cigar and a pipe on a six-cigarette holder. Meg also noticed a device with four pairs of shoes being rotated in a circle, being brushed with some kind of black material and then leaving shoeprints on pieces of paper.

"Wow, this Brian guy must be a genius," Meg said to herself.

As Dr. Stewie was hanging up his coat, he heard a voice triumphantly laughing from outside. "Ha-ha, the villain slipped this time. I shall HAVE HIM!" At that, the door flung open to reveal a fat, pale Chinese man wearing a long scarlet robe and matching cap and holding a pistol. His face looked like a somewhat racist caricature of a Chinaman, with the pale complexion, long and thin mustache, huge buckteeth and purple rings around his eyes. Lightning flashed as the sound of thunder pierced the air, as if it were for dramatic effect.

Normally, Dr. Stewie was rather courageous, but seeing such a strange intruder did frighten him quite a bit. "Outta my way, outta my way!" the strange man said, running into the house, peeling off his cap and flinging it into the air.

"I say now, oomph!" The cap landed on Stewie. With a soft "POP!" Stewie pulled it off and shouted at the intruder, "Who the hell are you?!"

"What? Oh?" the Chinese man stopped. Then he reached up and began stretching his face, and the rubbery human mask came off with another pop to reveal a white dog's head underneath!

"Brian of Spooner Street, my good man," Brian said, bowing and holding the floppy latex mask in his hand and grinning at Dr. Stewie.

Now, Dr. Stewie couldn't believe what he saw. The China man had pulled his face off to reveal a dog's head. But then when Brian pulled a cord and made the robe deflate and collapse around him, revealing his full dog body standing on stilts, Stewie was even more shocked. Surely, he was not expecting Quahog's greatest detective to be a dog.

Dog or not, Meg was still glad to see him. "Oh Brian, I need your help!"

"Not now, kid," Brian said, donning a maroon smoking jacket that he had hung on a dart. He tossed the dart onto the dartboard and hit a bull's-eye, with _his head turned the other direction and his eyes closed!_

"But you don't understand. I'm in terrible trouble…" Meg desperately said.

"Wait a sec, please," Brian said, walking right by her.

"What the devil?" Dr. Stewie said. "Now listen here dog, this young lady is in need of help, and you go and…"

"Hold this please," Brian said, handing the gun to Stewie.

"Of course," Dr. Stewie said, his eyes initially closed, but then nervously tried to hold the gun away from his face until Brian snatched the gun back. "Wait, how the deuce did you know I was a doctor?" he asked.

"You just came back from surgeon military duty in Afghanistan, right?" Brian said.

"But, how the hell do you know all that?" Dr. Stewie was getting a bit annoyed by Brian not directly answering his question.

Brian said, "I could tell by the way you are dressed, and your bowler hat and umbrella I saw hung on the coat rack when entering. Not only that, I can see you stitched your torn cuff with a Lambert stich, which is what only a surgeon uses. And the thread you used I recognized being only from Afghan provinces."

As Brian was saying all of this, he loaded the gun with a bullet, and gathered up three round pillows before tossing them to Dr. Stewie.

"Oh crap, that's amazing," Dr. Stewie said, struggling to hold up the pillows that combined were larger than him.

"Actually, it's elementary my dear Stewie." Brian said, spinning the revolver and aiming it at the pillows. Of course, Dr. Stewie panicked, and tossed the pillows on the red armchair. He grabbed Meg and they both ducked behind the couch. With a loud "BANG!" Brian fired the gun and the pillows exploded into white feathers. Brian blew the smoke from the gun's barrel as the room filled with feathers flying about like white fluffy confetti.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lois asked, running out of the kitchen, having heard the gunshot. "My good pillows!" She spotted Brian digging to find the bullet in the mess of feathers.

"MISTER BRIAN!" Lois yelled. Brian peeked up, looking ashamed and giving big puppy eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you, shooting my…" she began scolding.

"There, there, Lois. It's all right," Brian leaped from the chair and reassured his housekeeper. He then sniffed the air. Of course he could recognize the smell, being a dog and all. He walked Lois to the kitchen, saying "Why I think I smell some of your delightful crumpets! Why don't you fetch our guests some?"

"Brian, I don't…" Lois began, but Brian shut the door on her. Then he climbed down on all fours. "Now, I know that bullet is here somewhere…" He found Meg holding it. "Thank you, Miss…" Brian grudgingly said, snatching it from her hands.

"Miss Meg Griffin," Meg said, blushing a bit. Brian seemed a bit charming.

"Eh, whatever," Brian said, walking over to his microscope.

"Yes, but you DON'T UNDERSTAND…" Meg was annoyed again.

But Brian just shushed her, picked up another bullet he had on the table, and began comparing the bullets' markings underneath a microscope. So far, they seemed identical.

"Yes… mostly the same…" Brian muttered.

But then he found one of the markings to be different from the other bullet.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Brian screamed in agony. "GOD DAMN IT! Another dead end!" He banged his fist on the table and tossed the bullet aside. Dr. Stewie could tell that Brian was trying to pursue some kind of criminal, and had failed.

Brian gloomily walked over to his armchair by the portable fireplace. "He was right within my reach!" he hissed, and collapsed on the chair. Then he picked up his nearby violin and bow, the strings making sounds as he handled it, and began playing a mournful tune to express his feelings.

Dr. Stewie couldn't care less. He pantomimed playing an imaginary violin with an annoyed look on his face. But Meg was desperate. She began, "Now will you PLEASE listen to me? My father's gone, and I'm all alone…"

Brian briefly stopped his fiddling, and turned to Meg, a depressed expression on his face. "Kid, not now's a good time. I'm too depressed." He resumed playing his violin for a bit, to which he then said, "Ask your mother where he is…"

"I… I don't have a mother," Meg said. With that, Brian suddenly stopped playing his violin with a loud screech. This made Dr. Stewie jump, not because of what Meg said, but because of the noise Brian accidentally made with his violin.

"Hey, this IS supposed to be like a Disney movie…"

"Well, I, uh…" Brian started. Then he frowned. "Listen, kid, I don't have time for lost fathers!"

"But I DIDN'T lose him," Meg explained. "He was kidnapped… by an evil baby!"

Suddenly, Brian widened his eyes. He was now interested. "Did you say 'evil baby?'" he asked Meg.

"Well, yeah…" Meg answered.

Dr. Stewie looked a bit nervous too.

"Did he have freckles on his face?" Brian expectantly asked. This was vital information.

"I didn't see," Meg said, "but he did have a peg leg."

"AHA! Brian shouted, leaping onto the top of his armchair's headrest, still holding the violin and bow in his paws.

"Surely, you don't mean my evil half-brother…" Dr. Stewie commented.

"Your half brother?!" Brian asked. "That baby half-brother, named Bertram, works for the very villain who was the target of my experiment! The horror of my every waking moment. The nefarious PROFESSOR WEED!"

With that, Brian pointed the violin bow right at a smiling portrait of the villainous Professor Jonathan Weed. The fire in the portable fireplace roared, and lightning flashed as the portrait seemed to sneer evilly.

"He… he works for who?" Dr. Stewie asked.

"Professor Weed is a GENIUS, Stewie," Brian explained. "A genius twisted for evil. The Napoleon of crime!" More lightning flashed and thunder boomed.

"I say," Dr. Stewie said, "is he really that bad?"

"WORSE," Brian said hoarsely, dramatically poking his head through the banister. "For years I tried to capture and arrest him, and I've come close each time, but he's always escaped from my grasp! Not a corner of Quahog is safe while Weed's out there. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct! No depravity he wouldn't commit! Why, he's probably plotting a completely evil scheme right now, even as we speak!"


	2. Professor Weed

Chapter 2:

Professor Weed

In a secret hideout of some sort near the sewer line on the outskirts of Quahog, something evil was going on. In a cell-like room, Peter Griffin was working on some kind of old-fashioned mechanical robot. He was having the robot pour tea into a teacup, via controlling its movements from a podium with switches and levers. Professor Jonathan Weed was watching from the doorway.

Weed chuckled evilly and then spoke, in a rather oily and gentlemanlike voice, "Quite an ingenious scheme, eh, Griffin? And aren't you proud to be a part of it?"

"I don't believe this," Peter said. "Just because I worked for you before doesn't mean you have to kidnap me for something so crooked." As he said this, he had the robot pour a bit of sugar in the teacup and mix it.

"We will have our little device ready by tomorrow evening, won't we?" Weed said. "You know what will happen if you… fail?" He held up a small gold bell, which obviously represented some kind of threat. He gave it a small tingle.

Rather than being afraid, Peter just became angry and defiant. "I… I DON'T FUCKING CARE!" With that, he jerked hard on the controls, causing the robot to dump the tea from the teacup and teapot on its "head," and then tossing the teapot at Weed, whom managed to avoid being hit. The robot flailed around a bit some more before finally wearing down and stopping, but not before squirting out a small spurt of oil onto Weed's fine black coat. As Weed scowled at the stain, Peter complained, "You can do what you want with me, but I won't be a part of this… this God-forsaken evil any longer!"

Weed angrily exhaled loudly, wiping away the oil from his clothes. "Hmm, very well, if that is your decision. Oh, by the way, I am taking the liberty of having your daughter brought here." As he said that, he took the pop star doll Peter made for Meg and wound it up.

"M-Meg?" Peter asked nervously.

As the pop star toy played, Weed said in a sarcastic mock-concern tone, "I would spend many a sleepless night if anything unfortunate were to befall her!"

"You…" Peter said. "You wouldn't?!"

With that, Weed grabbed the doll, and broke it so the head and limbs popped out on springs and the music stopped. He looked at the doll in mock sorrow, and then lunged threateningly at Peter. "FINISH IT, GRIFFIN!"

With a heavy heart, Peter sighed, and went back to his work.

…

Outside the cell, Weed chuckled as he was writing a list. "Oh, I love it when I'm nasty! …Bertram?"

Weed found Bertram chuckling to himself, reading a newspaper.

"BERTRAM!" Weed screamed in his ear. Bertram jumped up and moaned loudly in pain, clutching his ear. "Bright and alert as always!" Weed handed him the list he was writing. "Here's the list. You know what to do, and _no mistakes!_"

"Right, no mistakes," Bertram said. He looked over the list, "Tools, gears, girl, uniforms…"

"NOW, BERTRAM!" Weed hollered loudly.

With an "I'm going, I'm going!" Bertram took off, going over to a drain gate and opening it, climbing out of the hideout.

Now Weed approached some kind of throne as several of his henchmen were cheering. Familiar faces in the crowd included Professor Steve, Kevin Swanson, Patrick Pewterschmidt, Jeffery Fecalman, Herbert, Mort Goldman, even The Evil Monkey.

"My friends…" Weed began with a flourish. "We are about to embark on the most ODIOUS, the most EVIL, the most DIABOLICAL scheme of my illustrious career. A crime to top all crimes. A crime that will live in infamy!"

The crowd cheered again, except for the Evil Monkey, whom was too focused on his empty beer mug.

Weed held up a newspaper with a photo of Mayor West on it and a gun. "Tomorrow evening," he explained, "our beloved mayor celebrates his diamond reelection jubilee. AND, with the enthusiastic help of our good friend Mr. Peter Griffin… it promises to be a night he will never forget!"

With that, he shot the newspaper, the bullet making a direct hit through the head of West.

"His _last_ night… and _my_ first as supreme ruler of all of Quahog!" Weed concluded, as his henchmen all cheered once again.

A song began to play, as a spotlight shone down on Weed. He donned a very formal top hat and cane as he began dancing and singing…

"_From the brain that brought you the Big Clam Caper,_

_The head that made headlines in every newspaper,_

_By scampering up, and tampering with,_

_And hampering time and becoming a myth._

_Now comes the real Tour de Force…_

_Tricky and wicked, of course!_"

As he sang, he turned on some kind of fountain, which was squirting out wine rather than water. Mort began drinking out of one of the spouts.

"_The Big Clam Crime was fine for its time,_

_But now that I'm at it again,_

_An even grimmer plot has been simmering_

_In my great criminal brain!_"

With this, he kicked Mort into the fountain, as the other henchmen, led by Patrick, Jeffery and Herbert, began to sing as well…

"_Even meaner! You mean it?_

_Worse than the hoboes and orphans you drowned?_

_You're the best of the worst around!_

_Oh John Weed! Oh John Weed!_

_The rest fall behind!_

_To John Weed! To John Weed!_

_The World's Greatest Criminal Mind!_"

As they sang, they dramatically grabbed Weed and tossed him over to his harp with a flourish. As blue lights came on, Weed began slowly playing the harp.

"Thank you… thank you," Weed began. "But it hasn't all been champagne and caviar. I've had my share of adversity, thanks to that miserable second-rate dog detective, Brian of Spooner Street!"

He gestured to a small white toy dog dressed in detective clothes, with needles poked into it ala a voodoo doll, as his henchmen all booed.

In a mock crying tone, Weed said, "For years, that insufferable son of a bitch has interfered with my plans!"

CUTAWAY

As the harp continued, Professor Weed was walking in the Quahog park, and noticed a baby carriage, with a lollipop sticking out. He got a shifty look and reached for the lollipop, only for Brian, dressed as a baby, to pop out of the carriage and take back the lollipop. Weed gasped and made a run for it.

END CUTAWAY

"I haven't had a moment's piece of mind!" Weed moaned.

"Awwwww…" all the other thugs said. Steve typed something on his wheelchair computer, and the computer voice said, "Boo, hoo, hoo, hoo."

But then the lighting began to change from blue to red. In a now-menacing tone, "But all that's in the past! This time, nothing, not even Brian, can stand in my way! All will bow before me!"

With that, the lighting returned to normal as the henchmen cheered once again. Weed began to sing once again…

"_When these dark and devilish urges guide me,_

_This cruel and unusual gift that's inside me_

_Does wondrous things like the Freeway Bridge Job,_

_The cunning display that made Quahogers sob!_

_Picking them off one by one…_

_Picking them off just for fun!_

_Such privilege my view from the bridge,_

_As into the pavement blood sank…_

_But now this matchless plot hatching_

_A much more unnatural prank!_"

The henchmen sang again…

"_Oh John Weed! Oh John Weed!_

_You're tops, as we say!_

_To John Weed! To John Weed!_"

"_To John Weed the world's greatest gay!_" Mort sang, hiccupping from drinking too much wine.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not trying to be offensive or anti-Sematic, I just needed to pick a random someone to be killed off!)

At the sound of that lyric, Weed spit out his wine in shock, letting the wine glass fall and shatter. The other thugs all gasped in horror as Weed turned to Mort.

"What was THAT?!" he asked angrily. "What did you call me?!"

"Oh, he didn't mean it, professor," Patrick said.

"It was just a slip of a tongue," Herbert said in his high effeminate voice.

"I am NOT gay!" Weed yelled in Mort's face.

"Of course not," Steve's wheelchair computer spoke. "You are straight."

"That's right," Patrick added, "straight as a one dollar bill!"

"You just prefer the company of men," Herbert said.

"SILENCE!" Weed screamed, tossing Mort out of the throne room. He said in mock sorrow, "Oh my dear Mort, I'm afraid that you've gone and upset me." He pulled out his bell and said dramatically, "You know what happens when someone upsets me…"

Weed rang his bell and the thugs gasped, as they saw a large shadow approaching from an alleyway. A gigantic chicken, Ernie, was approaching the oblivious, and drunk, Mort.

"Oh John Weed, oh John Weed…" Mort was singing. "You're the tops, and, as they say!" He hiccupped again. "Oh, dear. To John Weed… to John Weed… to John Weed…"

At this point, Ernie the Giant Chicken had picked up Mort, as the other thugs cowered in the doorway.

"The world's… greaateeeeeeeeeh-ahhhhhhhhhh…" A loud punching noise cut the singing short. There were more hits and cracks, and Mort's mangled, bloodied and dead body rolled over to Professor Weed.

Ernie let out a satisfied cluck.

Weed led his terrified henchmen back into the throne room.

"I trust there will be no further interruptions…" he said, then clearing his throat. "And now, as you were singing?"

But singing was the last thing the thugs had on their mind at the moment, as they all huddled close together, quite nervously. But as Weed pulled out his bell again, they got their inspiration back and resumed singing…

"_Even louder! We'll shout it!  
No one can doubt what we know you can do!_

_You're more evil than you._

_Oh John Weed! Oh John Weed!_"

"Ahhh…" John Weed settled back into his throne, now wearing a kings' robe and crown.

"_You're one of a kind!_

_To John Weed! To John Weed!_

_The World's Greatest_

_Criminal_

_MIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!"_

As they sang that last lyric, several thugs swung from chandeliers, crashing into each other. Then they all shared one last toast, breaking their wine glasses, as Weed finished his wine and smiled smugly.


	3. Chris and Jesse

Chapter 3:

Chris and Jesse

Lightning flashed back at the home of Brian on Spooner Street, the portrait of Professor Weed still grinning. Brian was pacing around, smoking a pipe. He almost appeared to be the spitting image of Sherlock Holmes if he were a small white dog.

"This case is very intriguing with its many elements, and many twists and turns…" He turned to Meg. "Now, you're certain you told me everything? The slightest detail may be important!"

"It's just as I said," Meg finished her story, "and then my dad was gone!"

"What do you make of it?" Dr. Stewie asked.

"Hmm," Brian said. "Jonathan Weed is up to something… for all I know, it could be the crime of the century. The question is, what would he want with a toy maker? God, this is more confusing than the time I got that phone call from that drunk guy…"

CUTAWAY

The phone in the kitchen rang, and Brian answered it. "Hello?"

"Is this Brian Griffin Pizza?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.

"Pizza?! What the hell are you talking about?" Brian said.

"Yes, that's what I said. I'd like a large pizza with meatballs, pepperoni and extra cheese, but NO ANCHOVIES."

"This isn't a pizza parlor!" Brian tried to explain.

"You deliver the pizza, that's why!" the voice said.

Exasperated, Brian just said, "I'm sorry sir, but I think you have the wrong number!"

"And if I don't get that pizza in 30 minutes, it's free…" the voice on the line said right before Brian slammed the receiver back onto the phone.

END CUTAWAY

Suddenly, the threatening figure of Bertram appeared outside a small circular window as lightning flashed. Meg saw it and screamed. "AAAAAAH!"

Brian quickly turned to the direction of the scream and saw Bertram falling outside the house. "Quickly Stewie, we've not a moment to loose!" He opened the front door.

"I'm right behind you, Brian," Stewie said, running after him. They rushed outside, but were too late. "Crap, no sign of my half-brother anywhere!"

"Not quite, Stewie," Brian said, on the ground investigating a trail of muddy footprints. "He's left some rather unusual footprints. This obviously confirms it's the same fiend who kidnapped Meg's father – Professor Weed's one-legged baby lackey!"

And as if that weren't enough, Dr. Stewie noticed a small black cap on the wet sidewalk. "Uh, Brian?" he asked, picking it up.

"AHA!" Brian yelled, snatching up the hat. "Excellent work, Stewie!" The two headed back to the house.

Inside, Lois was comforting Meg, having heard the commotion. "Now, there's nothing to be afraid of my dear…"

"The scoundrel's quite gone," Dr. Stewie added, running in with Brian.

Tossing off his smoking jacket, Brian said "But not for long Miss Grafton!"

"Griffin!" Meg corrected.

"Whatever," Brian said, dismissing it. "Now, we simply go after the peg-legged criminal until he leads us to the girl's father."

"Then you'll get my daddy back?" Meg rushed over and hugged Brian tightly.

"Yes! Please let go!" Brian choked, and Meg did as she was told. "And quite soon… if I'm not mistaken. Now hurry along Stewie. We must be off to Jesse's." As he said this, he donned a brown detectives' coat and cape.

"Jesse's?" Dr. Stewie asked.

"Oh, you MUST meet him," Brian said, putting on a deerstalkers' hat, completing the Sherlock Holmes-esque outfit. "He's just the one for this!"

"You want ME to come?" Stewie couldn't believe it.

"Ha! Hoff-hoff," Brian exhaled on his magnifying glass and wiped it off. "I should think a genius who worked for the military would also enjoy the chance of adventure!"

"Well, I AM rather curious," Stewie admitted.

"Wait for me!" Meg called. "I'm coming too!" She grabbed her hat and scarf, and in the process accidentally bumped into Brian's violin on his armchair.

Luckily, Brian noticed this and leaped to catch his instrument in time. "WHAT? No way. This is no business for kids."

"But I'M a kid, and you allow me to go," Dr. Stewie pointed out.

"Well that's different," Brian explained. "YOU seem more capable than Meg."

"Are we going to take a cab?" Meg asked, putting some of Lois's crumpets into her coat pocket.

"Listen kid," Brian said hesitantly. "What I'm trying to say is, it will be quite dangerous." As he said that, he sat on his chair and a crashing sound was heard from underneath. Brian gasped. "Oh shit!" He pulled out the crushed remains of his violin, which was now a mess of wood shrapnel and warped string bits. "WHY YOU! Look at my…" Brian growled, and tried to keep cool. "Young lady, you are most definitely not coming with us. And that is FINAL!" At that he threw the violin pieces in the air.

(_Cheesy camera flip transition goes here!_)

Outside, a few houses down, Brian had Dr. Stewie and Meg tag along, outside the house of Herbert, one of Professor Weed's henchmen. "I can't believe you're coming with us, Meg," Brian said. "But not one word out of you. Is that clear?"

Brian pushed open a small basement window, and he, Stewie and Meg slipped through the window. In the basement, they found a rather fat blond-haired teenage boy, tied up and gagged on a chair.

"What the hell?" Brian said, as he and Stewie rushed over to help untie him. "Aren't you Lois's son Chris?"

"Yes," Chris said, removing the scarf from his mouth. "Thanks for rescuing me. That pedophile Herbert kidnapped me this morning and tied me up. He said he had special plans for me!"

"Herbert works for Professor Weed," Brian noted. "For all I know, I probably saved you from some grave danger!"

"I don't know," Chris said. "Herbert seemed awful nice to me. But he's not here right now. Also, I can finally see my mom again. Thanks for saving me, Brian!"

"At least that's one less case to solve," Brian muttered to himself. Brian managed to unlock the basement door from inside, and they began to explore the house. "Jesse? Jesse!"

"Who is Jesse?" Meg asked.

"How should I know?" Dr. Stewie answered. He turned to Brian. "I say, Brian, who is this Jesse chap?"

After saying that, a bark was heard from one of the rooms. "Ah, he's in here!" Brian said. Sure enough, they came up to another dog, older and with gray fur and with his hind legs practically unusable. "Stewie, this is Jesse."

"Seriously?!" Stewie asked. "But YOU'RE a dog yourself!"

"Yes," Brian explained, "but all the smoking and drug use over the years made my nose rather lousy for detective work, and Jesse here has the best sense of smell from any other dog I've known. All right now Jesse, I want you to…"

He turned, but instead noticed Jesse wasn't listening to him, but enjoying a back rub from Meg. Brian whistled, and Jesse turned to him.

"Good! Now, Jesse… I want you to find THIS fiend!" Brian whipped out Bertram's hat, and he and Jesse both began growling and barking. Brian's growls were to drill Jesse into searching for the bad guy. "Yes, you know the type," Brian was saying. "RooRooRooRooff! A villain, a sick bastard! Grrrruf, grrrruff. Low brow. Close-set eyes. Baby face!" At that, Jesse briefly stopped, looking confused by what Brian said. To that Brian chuckled and added, "Oh, he's a peg-legged baby with an evil genius mind."

That got Jesse growling again.

"Yes, good boy! Got his scent?" Brian asked. Jesse nodded happily, and Brian pulled out a dog wheelchair, fastening Jesse to it. Attached to the wheelchair was a chariot-like cart for Brian, Stewie, Meg and Chris to ride in.

"Miss Gotham!" Brian began.

"GRIFFIN!" both Dr. Stewie and Meg corrected.

"I have the same last name as Meg here!" Dr. Stewie noticed. "We must be related in some way."

"Whatever," Brian said. "Your father is as good as found! Jesse!"

Jesse managed to strike a "pointer" pose, ready to be after Bertram's tail.

"SIC' EM!" Brian cried jollily, only to be suddenly run over by Jesse and his chariot. Brian quickly managed to grab the chariot and regain his wind, grabbing the three kids (including Stewie) onto the chariot as well. "Yoicks! Tally-hoooo! Ha-haaa!" he called out, like a British hunter. They were on the trail of the evil kidnapping baby…

…

Some time later, on the dark wet streets of Quahog, Jesse was sniffing around while pulling the chariot. The storm had stopped, but the dark clouds still hung overhead. There was practically no traffic. Suddenly, Jesse jerked up and struck another pointer pose.

"AAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Chris screamed. He knew what was coming up.

Once again, Jesse started running his front legs, causing the chariot to go speeding again.

As they rode along, Chris kept screaming and clutching Meg, and Dr. Stewie was now struggling to hang on the end of the chariot.

"The thrill of the hunt, eh, Stewie?" Brian called out.

"Q-q-quite," Stewie nervously said. "I haven't had such a ride since I went on that one roller coaster…"

CUTAWAY

Dr. Stewie was in a roller coaster car with several other people. He tried to reach the safety bar, but once it picked up speed, it was impossible. At one point when it went on a loop, Stewie went flying from his seat, only to land back in his car after the coaster made the loop. As it sped across another summit, Stewie accidentally let go, and went flying through the air for some time like a rag doll, before he eventually managed to land in his seat once again just as the roller coaster pulled back into the platform.

Seemingly dizzy at first, Stewie got out of the roller coaster. "That sure was…" he began, but then suddenly regained his wind and was perfectly fine once again. "SPLENDIDLY AWESOME! I'm going again!"

END CUTAWAY

"Ooh, our one-legged crook can't be far off now!" Brian said, before he began barking and howling while "driving" Jesse, and Chris howling as well (but in terror)…


	4. The Prop Museum Boogaloo

Chapter 4:

The Prop Museum Boogaloo

The Quahog Giant Prop, Mascot and Novelty Museum was closed for the night, but there was a ladder next to an open window outside, indicating someone had broken in…

Inside, Bertram, sans his cap, was taking British guard uniforms off of several mannequins of the Royal London Guards. He loaded some in a large burlap sack also containing gears and springs and some tools. Bertram pulled out a list. "Hmm, 'Get the following. Tools.' Check. I got tools." He checked that off. " 'Gears.' Double-check. I got gears. 'Girl?' No, didn't get that girl yet. 'Uniforms.' Check, I got plenty of uniforms!" he chuckled. Suddenly, he heard a loud scream from outside, and through the window he saw the silhouette of Jesse and his chariot, with Chris Griffin still howling.

"Oh no! Gotta hide! I gotta hide!" He quickly stuffed the last few uniforms and hats into the sack, and took off over a large clown dummy.

"AAAAAAOOOOOHHHHHH!" Chris hollered from outside, just as inside, Bertram dropped the list, letting it float to the ground without him noticing.

…

Outside, Brian and the three kids were getting off of the chariot. "Splendid job, Jesse!"

"You be good now," Meg said. "We're going to find my dad!"

Humming, Brian investigated for an entrance to the museum. He then noticed the ladder. "Aha!" he said. "HERE is our fiend's entrance. Chris, you stay and watch over Jesse."

"Oh I get it," Chris moaned. "I can't go in because I'm too FAT!"

But Brian hastily shushed Chris and climbed through the window. Dr. Stewie and Meg followed suit.

Inside the museum, the three were walking amidst all the giant props. With the lights out, some of them looked rather creepy. Not looking where he was going, Dr. Stewie bumped into something. "Oh, I beg your pardon…" he began, only to look up and see he bumped into the leg of a giant girl dummy dressed in old-fashioned clothes. "What the devil? I've never seen so many giant props…" he exclaimed.

Poking out from behind the dummy's leg, Brian warned "Behind any of which could lurk a murderous assassin! So please doctor, be VERY careful…"

As Brian stealthily moved between the various large props and mannequins and through any available shadows, Dr. Stewie and Meg stayed close behind. They then snuck up a stairwell to find themselves on the museum's second floor. However, while on this floor, Brian and Stewie tried creeping down the hall, only for a loud cymbal crash noise from behind them to suddenly jump, and Stewie to leap into Brian's arms.

"AAAH! What the devil?!" Stewie screamed.

He and Brian turned and saw that Meg had turned on an animatronic replica of the Dixieland band _The Firehouse Five Plus Two!_ She got a kick out of watching the noisy fireman band playing loud dissonant music. An annoyed Brian dropped Stewie to the ground and leaped for the control lever, shutting off the dummies and their noisy music. "PLEEEEASE!" Brian said intensely, before whispering "Quiet!" Then he turned to Stewie. "DON'T let this girl out of your sight!" he said softly but firmly.

Dr. Stewie stood at attention and saluted as Brian walked past. Then he looked up and saw Meg mimicking his salute and took her hand. "Now Meg, please stay close…"

From the top of a giant table prop, Bertram peeked to watch the trio walking across a giant prop chessboard, complete with pieces on it. Brian noticed the large rook that was twice as tall as him, and moved it over one space. "Checkmate!" he chuckled.

Then Brian noticed more of Bertram's unusual footprints. "Aha!" he said as he held the magnifying glass up to his eye. "More evidence of our one-legged adversary." He followed the footprints; humming and making various vocal effects, "Mmm-hmm… ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh?" He came up to a naked male mannequin. "Hmm, that's weird."

"What is it, Brian?" Dr. Stewie whispered.

"Isn't it painfully obvious, Stewie? These mannequins have been stripped from their uniforms! And not by any prankster, either," the detective added, "and I also doubt there are any current plans to refurbish the dummies…" He looked around a bit more with his magnifying glass before noticing something else. "Huh? Hello…"

Brian inspected animatronic monster clown and gorilla models that were formerly used in movies. Their chests had been broken into and were missing a chunk of their inner workings. "Strange, why would someone go and remove the mechanisms from these robot dummies?"

Knowing they were on to him, Bertram rushed off to create a diversion…

Now Dr. Stewie found a piece of paper on the ground, a paper that happened to be the list Bertram had dropped when he heard Chris screaming earlier. Figuring it was another vitally important clue, he said, "Uh, Brian…"

"Not now, Stewie, I'm trying to concentrate," Brian said, in deep thought.

"But Brian, this…" A creaking sound interrupted him. He, Brian and Meg all turned to check out the source of the sound…

A nearby exhibit of larger-than-life working wind-up toys and music boxes was suddenly coming to life. A small stuffed puppy coming to life was poking out of a magician's hat and barking. There was an Easter Bunny hatching a baby chick from an Easter egg. An animatronic violinist and a model carousel had also come to life, along with a Little-Bo-Peep music box and a cackling jack-in-the-box. Something screwing was definitely going on…

Bubbles began floating from behind one of the dummies. Meg noticed this, got curious and decided to find out the source. She saw they were coming from a belching animatronic dummy of Barney Gumble. She cringed a bit at first, but then noticed a baby bassinet behind the Barney dummy. She slowly walked over to it and gasped in delight, seeing a figure covered mostly by the bedding except for a pink baby bonnet poking out. It HAD to be a cute baby dummy. So, Meg pulled back the sheet…

…only to find there was indeed a baby: the snarling, cackling face of Bertram, heaved right in front of her own face! She screamed in terror, and Brian and Dr. Stewie turned to the direction of the shriek.

"Meg!" Stewie remembered he was supposed to watch over her.

"Gotcha!" Bertram laughed, tossing Meg in the burlap sack, still wearing the baby bonnet.

"Quickly, Doctor!" Brian yelled, as he and Dr. Stewie ran for her help. "Oh crap, look out!" Brian screamed as he and Stewie turned around, now running away from some kind of larger-than-life Ferris Wheel toy with a rabbit in its center. They landed on some kind of manually-operated treadmill prop. Then they turned to see a very large dummy of a girl in an old-fashioned dress and with curly hair start to fall right over them. Brian and Stewie both began to run for their lives, but instead could only move the treadmill. At the last second, they jumped off the treadmill, and the giant girl doll hit the ground and blew up in a large fiery explosion. A human skull from the dummy flew from the blast and rolled toward Stewie.

Now Bertram turned on an animatronic horse with a jouster dummy on it. Brian managed to hop out of the way, but Stewie wasn't so lucky. He found himself hanging on the jouster's lance, and then when the horse crashed into the remains of the blown up girl dummy, the lance came loose and hit a bull's-eye on a large prop dart board, with Stewie still hanging on the lance, shaken but alive.

Brian heard the dissonant band music from earlier and turned towards it, but instead had the cymbals whacked in his face from one of the animatronic firemen. Dazed and his face beaten up, Brian stumbled around and passed out onto some marbles that Bertram laid out. One of the marbles hit Stewie in the face, giving him a nosebleed.

Chucking and heading for the main entrance door, Bertram said "Bye-bye!" and began to open the door, not noticing some large silhouetted lump on the other side. So when he opened the door, he saw Chris.

"AAAH!" Chris screamed.

"AAAH!" Bertram screamed back!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Chris shouted.

Bertram slammed the door on him and headed for another exit, doffing the baby bonnet.

Running through the gift shop, apparently to leave as a calling card, he hit a key on a cash register so it'd say "NO SALE."

"Stop, you fiend!" Brian called out, leaping onto a pogo stick conveniently placed nearby as an exhibit and using this to catch up to Bertram. Eventually they found themselves on the second floor once again. Bertram whipped out a rope with a small anchor, catching it on a skylight. Brian was able to quickly access a ladder and began climbing that so he could catch Bertram and save Meg in the process.

Just when he had the crook, Brian leaped to catch him, but Bertram jumped and grabbed onto the skylight door handle, causing Brian to land on his ladder that was now starting to fall. Brian said, "Uh-oh," knowing what would happen next. The ladder, with Brian on it, fell onto a large pile of novelty larger-than-life building blocks, causing the pile of blocks to also come tumbling down, along with knocking over other exhibits.

Bertram laughed diabolically as he turned the handle and managed to open the skylight window and jump out.

From inside the sack, Olivia cried out "Help! Uncle Brian! Help!"

Bertram leaped off the roof, slid down a drainpipe and rode off on his tricycle, modified to accommodate his peg leg. As he rode off, with bits of daylight beginning to appear in the sky, Bertram sang, to the tune of an old Italian song, "_I got the tools, I got the gears, I got the uniforms! I got the girl_…" he laughed to the rest of the melody.

…

Back in the museum, it was a disaster area where Brian had fallen. Dr. Stewie was running through the mess. "Brian! Brian!" he called out. After a bit of searching, he found Brian, his face bloodied and his hat missing, hanging by his dog collar on part of the hat of a Statue of Liberty model. "Brian! Meg, she's…"

"YES, she's GONE, Stewie!" Brian yelled. "Damn it! I told you to watch over the girl!" He finally loosened himself and fell in front of Stewie. "Now she's been swiped away by that maniacal piece of shit monster, soon to be in the clutches of the most depraved mind in all of Quahog!"

This was making Dr. Stewie feel pretty bad. He sniffled, and began to sob, since he was a baby.

"I should have known better than to… than to…" Brian eased up when he saw Stewie. "Uh, Stewie?"

"WUAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH! I messed up really bad!" Stewie bawled.

"Stewie?" Brian asked, feeling bad for him. He wiped away most of the blood and asked, "Uh, you all right Stewie?"

"The poor girl!" Stewie cried loudly. "I should have watched her more closely!" His face was a mess of snot from his crying.

"Don't worry, Stewie," Brian said, trying to calm Stewie, "it's not entirely hopeless." He put his right paw on Stewie's shoulder. "We'll get her back."

Dr. Stewie sniffled and wiped away the snot. "Do… do you think there's a chance?" He sounded much more optimistic now.

"There's ALWAYS a chance, Stewie," Brian said, striking a match to light his pipe. "…As long as one can think… Puff-oh, puff-oh!" Brian began pacing back and forth, puffing on his Sherlock Holmes-esque pipe, which was filled with mostly tobacco and a hint of opium, even though there were "NO SMOKING" signs placed all around the area.

As he continued pacing and smoking, Dr. Stewie coughed. "Man alive, no wonder times have changed when it comes to smoking. I'd better not bother him about it, otherwise it'd be like that time I tried to stand up to Joe Camel."

CUTAWAY

"Hey you," Dr. Stewie said to Joe Camel, wearing a leather jacket and shades while smoking a cigarette. "Do you realize how many kids you've killed with your 'smooth' style?"

"I just know if you don't shut up, you're gonna be another one of those kids," Joe said, offering a pack of cigarettes to Stewie.

END CUTAWAY

As Brian was pacing around and smoking his pipe, Dr. Stewie remembered the list he found earlier, and read it out loud. " 'Get the following: Tools, gears…"

"What?" Brian said, hearing this.

"Girl," Stewie continued reading. "Uni…'"

Brian snatched the list from Stewie's hands and quickly eyed it. "Stewie, you've DONE IT!" he said proudly. "This list is precisely what we need!" He began running to an exit door.

"What?!" Stewie couldn't believe it.

"Quickly! Back to Spooner Street!" Brian said, grabbing his hat and putting it on again as he opened the door…


	5. The Bar Brawl

Chapter 5:

The Bar Brawl

Over at Professor Weed's hideout, the door to Peter Griffin's cell opened. Peter was still working on the robot from earlier, but now having added eyes and a few more odds and ends.

"Ah, Mr. Griffin," Professor John Weed began with a flourish. He snickered, announcing, "Allow me to present… your charming daughter!" He pulled back his cape, revealing Bertram holding Meg.

"MEG!" Peter shrieked.

"DAD!" Meg cried out, trying to run towards her, but Bertram wouldn't let go. So she stamped hard on Bertram's foot and took off.

"Ow! Crap, my foot! My only foot!" Bertram cried in agony.

"Oh Dad," Meg cried as she hugged Peter. "I thought I'd never find you!"

"Oh there, there, Meg. I'm all right!" Peter smiled. "Oh, I was so worried about my little girl!"

Jonathan Weed faked a sniffle and sarcastically said, "Oh how sweet… oh I just love tearful reunions!" Grabbing Meg's arm, he then said, "Now, come along my dear…"

"Oh please! Please! Dad!" Meg cried.

"Meg!" Peter cried out. "Oh please, professor!"

"Now, now…" Weed said, holding back Peter. "Bertram will take good care of her… as long as we have no further delays!" He let go.

"Yes, I'll finish it!" Peter said, picking up his tools again. "Just don't hurt my daughter!"

"Remember, it must be ready…" Weed said, closing the cell door, then dramatically adding "…TONIGHT!"

…

"No, let me go!" Meg screamed, as Bertram dragged her to some kind of larger-than-life champagne bottle that they had swiped earlier from the novelty prop museum. "You ugly old baby!"

"That ought to hold you!" Bertram said, putting a cork on the bottle, trapping Meg inside.

"Help! Let me out. Let me out!" Meg cried.

"See how you like THAT," Bertram shot back, sticking his tongue out at her, and then nonchalantly strolling towards Weed.

"Ah, the uniforms!" Weed chuckled, pulling them out of Bertram's sack. "Aw, Bertram, I knew I could rely on you!" He chuckled. "Now, you didn't forget anything?"

Bertram chuckled. "No problem, I took care of everything. I got everything on the list… Uh-oh!" he said, realizing he did not have his list in his pocket.

Weed sternly asked, "What's wrong?" When he got no answer from Bertram, still trying to see if he still had his list handy, Weed said in an annoyed tone, "Where's the list?!"

"The list, yeah, see, it was like this," Bertram began, talking nervously fast. "I was in the museum, I grabbed the uniforms when I heard screams! Aaaaaah!"

"You're not coming through…" Weed said.

"People were coming," Bertram continued, "I ran, I had a baby bonnet, girl in bag, and then Brian chased me."

"What?" Professor Weed couldn't believe what he heard. "BRIAN ON THE CASE?! WHY YOU LITTLE FUCKING…" He was extremely angry, as Bertram ducked his head under his arms, readying for the explosion.

Weed appeared to have been suffering a heart attack, but after some straining, he calmed down. He chuckled, "Oh my dear Bertram, you have been reading those tabloids too long!" He picked up Bertram.

Bertram laughed. "You mean you're not mad? I'm glad you're taking this so well!"

He hugged Weed as they waltzed away behind a very large crate. Shortly after, the sound of Weed's little bell and Bertram screaming filled the air!

"Not me you idiot! Stop! What the hell?!" Bertram was trying not to get beaten up by Ernie the Chicken. "Ah, ow! You're hurting my legs!"

Meanwhile, Weed was in deep thought. "How DARE that damn Brian poke his stupid nose into my wonderful scheme and foul up everything! I can see that insufferable grin on his smug face!" Weed banged his head on a nearby piano with a bust of Ludwig Van Beethoven on the top and a music sheet for "Mary Had a Bicycle" on it. But then he smiled, as he realized something. "Yes… yes! I can JUST see it!" He snickered. "Ernie, release him!"

Ernie tossed a battered-up and bleeding Bertram over to Professor Weed. Bertram wasn't in critical condition, though. Weed picked up the beat-up baby. "Bertram you delightful little maniac! You've presented me with a singular opportunity!" He dropped him, and gave a mock sorrow face. "Poor Brian…" His expression changed to an evil sneer. "Oh, he is in for a little surprise…"

…

Meanwhile, back at the house on Spooner Street, Chris was hugging his mom, Lois.

"Oh my big guy!" Lois said. "I was so worried about you. Thank god Brian found you!"

"Yeah," Chris said. "I think Herbert had some pretty big plans for me, only I don't know what they were…"

In the other room, Brian was checking out the list Dr. Stewie had found at the prop museum with a magnifying glass. "Offhand, I can deduce very little," he began. "Only that the words were clearly written with a ball-point pen of some kind." He put down the magnifying glass and gently tossed it in his hand to test the weight. "And the paper is apparently manufactured in Mongolia with no watermark, and has…" Brian nibbled his lips on the paper to test the taste, "…been gummed, if I'm right…" Then he sniffed the paper and was repulsed by the stench. "…by a smelly baby who has been drinking 'Infant's Delight,' a cheap brandy illegally manufactured and sold to babies in seedy pubs."

"Whoa…" Dr. Stewie said. "Amazing."

"Well, we still don't know where it came from," Brian added, checking the paper in his microscope, noticing some artifacts that were not ink… "Hmm, coal dust, the same type used in old-fashioned sewer lamps."

Dr. Stewie tried to take a look at the paper, but Brian nabbed it once again, and held the paper over his cigarette lighter. Then he flicked the lighter and ignited the paper.

"Oh Brian! I wanted…" Stewie began.

"Stay quiet," Brian quickly ordered, as he let the ashen remains of the burned paper descend into a small wooden bowl. Brian then smashed the ashes down with a small wooden mashed, poured them into a glass jar of a yellow liquid, turning blue as the ashes touched the water.

"But how will this all…" Stewie began to ask.

"Excuse me, Stewie," Brian said, not wanting to talk with him at the moment. He was too busy with his experiment. The blue liquid now contained vital information. Brian pulled out a vial with a red chemical, and carefully let a single drop fall into the jar. With a small puff of smoke, the chemical turned purple. Then Brian set the jar underneath a glass spout attached to a network of test tubes and beakers. On the other side of the chemistry set, Brian turned on a Bunsen burner and let a green chemical flow through the tubes.

"Yes, good," Brian muttered. "Come on come on come on come on…" he sung to a tune of some sort, before muttering "Ha, yes, yes, good, yes, good, no, come on, come on, yes…"

Brian and Stewie watched as a single droplet of the green chemical was now hanging above the jar. Then it dropped, and with a "Poof!" the purple chemical turned red.

"AHA!" Brian shouted joyously. "We did it, Stewie! This reaction could have only been triggered by the paper's extreme saturation in distillation of sodium chloride!" As he said this, the red chemical turned clear and watery.

Dr. Stewie quickly scanned through a dictionary to look up some of the words Brian said. "Salt water? Great Scott! He's even more good with chemicals than Einstein…"

CUTAWAY

Albert Einstein was just standing in his lab. He stood there silent for a few seconds, and then said, apparently to an audience, "Vhat? You are expecting me to do something with my knowledge and silly accent?"

END CUTAWAY

Going through maps, Brian said, "It proves without a doubt, that the list came from the riverfront area of Quahog." He then pinned up a map of the Quahog area using darts.

"Now take it easy, Brian…" Dr. Stewie said.

"No. Elementary, my dear Stewie!" Brian said, now confident he had the case in the bag. "We merely look for a bar at the only spot…" At that word, he marked said spot with another dart. "…where the sewer connects to the waterfront."

…

That bar turned out to be The Drunken Clam. The fog was thickening and the sky was darkening, as the mayor's celebration was hours away. As the Clam's animated neon sign kept flickering, a small white dog on two legs, dressed up as a sailor captain and with a thin mustache and an unlit cigarette in his mouth, was walking for the main door.

"Uh, Brian?" the voice of Dr. Stewie called out from the alley next to the bar.

"Come, come, Stewie," Brian said. "You look perfect."

Dr. Stewie stepped out of the alley. He was disguised to look like a roguish first mate to Brian's captain, with a bandana, earring, pirate eye patch and a striped shirt that was too big for him. "Perfect?" Stewie scoffed. "Perfectly foolish!"

Brian shushed him as he opened the door. Inside, the Drunken Clam seemed seedier than usual. Many people were drinking, smoking or playing poker. There were even a few passed-out bodies from all the alcohol. On a makeshift stage, there was a juggler dancing to a ragtime piano tune while juggling three balls.

"Stewie," Brian said as he lit his cigarette, "Stay close… and do as I do."

The bartender, Jerome, looked at the disguised dog and baby as they approached. Brian signaled him for some service, and resumed his "tough sailor" walk. Stewie tried the same signal, but a bit more exaggerated. He was new to the act.

Many of the other bar patrons was eyeing them. At one table, Joe Swanson, Cleveland Brown and Glenn Quagmire were all hanging out at a table. "They allow dogs and babies in here?" Joe asked.

"Of course," Quagmire said. "They also allowed wolves, until they began to incorporate showgirl acts."

CUTAWAY

The bar was filled with bouncing, howling and whistling cartoonish wolves! They were all aroused at seeing a Red Hot Riding Hood-esque woman.

"That's it, I quit!" the singer said. "I can't take this anymore." She opened the back door, only to find Quagmire grinning there.

"All right!" Quagmire said, with his signature head movements.

The woman recoiled and slammed the door. "On second thought… the wolves don't seem so bad after all!"

Outside the bar, a few more wolves were waiting to enter. A young adult human male with short blond hair was tugging on a latex toon-style wolf mask to match with his zoot suit and white cartoon gloves. "Hey, I'm not really a wolf," the guy said from inside the mask (the jaw moving fairly accurately with his own), "but I like to come here for some fun once in a while! Grrraow!"

END CUTAWAY

Cleveland chuckled. "Look at how one of them looks like a sea captain, and the other a pirate! What an odd combination, don't ya think?"

Suddenly a knife landed on the floor into Stewie's path, causing him to stumble into a woman's chair. Some lady, dressed in an old Western-style showgirl outfit and with a cigarette holder, was playing a poker game, and she turned to look at Stewie.

"Oh, I do beg your pardon, Madame…" Stewie began.

The woman just blew cigarette smoke into Stewie's face, making him choke. After a few rounds of hacking, the woman said, "Everybody smokes!" and laughed, going back to her poker game, where the other players were laughing as well.

"What a bitch!" Dr. Stewie hissed.

"Remember Stewie," Brian reminded him, "we're low-life ruffians."

"Well," Stewie began, "I was until that…"

But Brian shushed him again as they took their seats at the table. Stewie just went and gave the finger at the woman. On stage, the juggler finished his dance, and Stewie applauded, but most of the other patrons around him and Brian booed loudly and threw foot and beer bottles and glasses onto the stage as the juggler ran for his life.

A barmaid approached, saying in a cockney accent, "What's your pleasure mates?"

"Well," Dr. Stewie began, "I'll have a dry sherry, oh perhaps with a twist of…"

Brian clamped his paw over Stewie and began speaking in a fake tough-guy accent to cover up his associate. "Two pints, for me, and my shipmate. Oh, by the way," he began to tell the barmaid, "we just got into port. We're looking for an old friend of mine." He tapped a few ashes from his cigarette and continued, "Maybe you know him… goes by the name…", then whispered in his natural voice, "of Jonathan Weed."

Hearing that name caused the barmaid, the pianist, bartender and all the other people in the bar to gasp loudly and stare at Brian in shock.

"I, uh…" the barmaid said, covering up her knowledge of the feared criminal mastermind, "…never heard of him!" She took off.

Stewie was nervous by all the stares, but Brian smiled. He was pleased by the reaction, knowing he couldn't be far now. Brian flicked his cigarette out a window, and it exploded off-screen.

The pianist began playing another tune, and the bar patrons lifted up weapons to throw at whoever was on stage, but lowered them when they saw Joyce Kinney from Quahog 5 News, but this time she had on a purple skirt and pink shawl instead of her usual gray anchorwoman outfit. The men began to appear very interested in her appearance. Joyce began to sing…

"_Dearest friends, dear gentlemen,_

_Listen to my song…_

_Life down here's been hard for you,_

_Life has made you strong…_

_Let me lift the mood…_

_With my attitude…_"

The beat began to pick up and get jazzy as Joyce began strutting on stage, with all eyes except Brian on her. Dr. Stewie seemed especially interested…

"_Hey, fellas! The time is right!_

_Get ready! Tonight's the night!_

_Boys, what you're hoping for will come true,_

_Let me be good to you…_

_You tough guys!_

_You're feeling alone…_

_You rough guys!_

_The best of you sailors and bums,_

_All of my chums…_"

As Stewie watched, Brian glanced over at the barmaid whispering something to Jerome the bartender. Then Jerome discreetly poured the contents of a suspicious-looking vial into two mugs of beer. As this happened, Joyce continued singing…

"_So dream on, and drink your beer,_

_Get cozy, your baby's here!_

_You won't be misunderstood!_

_Let me be good to youuu!_"

She moved behind the closing curtain, as the rest of the Dixieland jazz band began to join in, bringing up the tempo and key. The curtain opened again to show Joyce, now clad in a blue tank top, black gloves and a crazy blue-feathered leotard as she was removing her skirt. Joining her were two dancer girls clad in pink outfits (ala the opening sequence to _Family Guy_!) Most of the men in the audience began doing catcalls and whistles.

"_Hey, fellas! I'll take off all my blues!_

_Hey, fellas! There's nothing I won't do, just for you!_"

At that line, Joyce appeared to point and wink at Dr. Stewie. The whole crowd was REALLY interested in the performance. Quagmire jumped up on his table and said "Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity!"

The barmaid returned to Brian and Stewie's table with two mugs of beer. "Here you go boys. It's… on the house," she said.

"Oh, how generous!" Dr. Stewie said.

"Wait a sec, Stewie," Brian said, swirling a finger in the beer and taking a small taste. "I thought so. These drinks have been…" He turned to Stewie. "…DRUGGED!"

Brian watched in horror as Stewie gulped down all of his beer. He drunkenly said, "Has a rather nice bite to it too…" He turned to the stage performers while under the influence. "Jolly good, ladies… jolly good! Bravo!"

"Stewie, get a hold of yourself!" Brian tried to shake the intoxicated baby, but Stewie was instead more focused on the ladies. Brian was really pissed, but then he heard a peg-leg, and turned to see Bertram, also interested in the showgirls and not noticing Brian watching him.

Joyce resumed singing…

"_So dream on, and drink your beer,_

_Get cozy, your baby's here!_

_Hey boys, I'm talking to you!_"

"What luck, Stewie!" Brian said. "It's our peg-legged friend. Uh… Stewie?" He noticed the infant was gone, and was now on the stage dancing with the showgirls! "STEWIE!" Brian hissed. Joyce took Stewie by the arms and swung him around briefly as Brian slapped his forehead in annoyance.

"_Your baby's gonna come through!_

_Let me…  
Be good…  
To…  
Yoooooooooooooou!_"

As they finished the song, the two dancer girls kissed Stewie, causing the tipsy baby to twirl right onto the piano.

"_Yeah!_" Joyce finished the song with a grin.

The pianist was annoyed at Stewie for landing on top oh his piano. He reared up and prepared to sock him, but Stewie slumped onto the piano keys, and the pianist spun around and hit the back of a rather big mean-looking guy, standing up and preparing to fight. The nervous pianist tried to get away, but the other man grabbed him by the neck and prepared to punch him. The pianist managed to squeeze out of his hand, so the guy wound up punching the piano, sending it flying into the bandstand. The piano exploded like bowling pins being knocked down as it hit the bandstand, sending Stewie flying to the floor.

Dr. Stewie just lay on his back as a bar fight began. The other men began hitting each other, as Jerome and the barmaid ran into the fight to try and break it up. Meanwhile, Bertram was just sitting and drinking "Infant's Delight," pretending to not notice the bar fight. Joe rolled in on his wheelchair and fired his gun a few times, trying to help restore order, some of which shattered light bulbs, darkening the pub a bit.

Brian tried to help wake Stewie up, but the sound of gunfire managed to snap Stewie out of it. "Stewie!" Brian said.

"What? What the devil?" Stewie asked. Then he turned and saw the riot in progress. "What the hell is going on?!"

"I saw our one-legged…" Brian began, but then he noticed Bertram wasn't at his seat anymore! "Come on Stewie, there's not a moment to lose!" The two began to kneel low in hopes of finding him, but instead they found a trapdoor and figured this was Bertram's mode of escape. As the riot was getting increasingly violent (and there was a bit of blood flying in the air now as well, and the sound of police and fire sirens approaching could be heard from outside), Brian and Stewie quietly slipped into the trapdoor and shut it before a chair came crashing onto it…

…

The trapdoor took Brian and Dr. Stewie to some kind of sewer. They heard humming, and saw Bertram climbing into a large drainpipe while humming the song. "Do, doo-doo-do, do-do! Ih!" he made a squeaking sound as he turned on his flashlight inside the pipe. "Let me be good to you…" he resumed.

Brian and Stewie quietly crept up to the drainpipe, as Bertram sang, "So dream on, drink your beer, your baby's here… good to you…" They watched as he disappeared into the darkness of the drainpipe.

"Brian…" Stewie began.

"Shh, follow me," Brian whispered, as they climbed up and into the drainpipe, and were surrounded by total darkness, except Brian had his dog vision enabling him to see a bit better in the blackness of the drainpipe.

"Oh crap, I can't see a thing!" Dr. Stewie said.

"Just grab my coat, and follow me," Brian said. "No-no-no not that way. Stewie, look out for your…"

Clang!

"Owwwww!" Stewie yelped as he bumped into a sealed cap. "Damn it!" They resumed traveling up the drainpipe. "Do you have any idea where we're going?" Stewie asked.

"Of course," Brian answered as they traveled through the dark pipe. "Left turn. Right turn here, Doctor…"


	6. Brian's Great Escape

Chapter 6:

Brian's Great Escape

A short while later, Brian had opened a sewer grate to find that he and Dr. Stewie, still in their sailor disguises, were now at Professor Jonathan Weed's hideout.

"Aha, Stewie!" Brian said. "We found it. Jonathan Weed's secret lair! God, it's filthier than I imagined!" He helped Stewie out of the sewer, and found what appeared to be Meg curled up asleep in the large novelty champagne bottle, her back turned to them. "Stewie, the bottle!" Brian softly said.

They snuck over to the bottle quietly, and Brian leaped up to start tugging on the cork. After a few tugs, he said, "It's stuck!"

Tapping on the glass softly, Dr. Stewie whispered, "Meg?"

But it wasn't really Meg at all. It was Bertram wearing Meg's clothes! Bertram turned to face Stewie with a sinister smile, and then with a fake lovey expression he made a loud kissing sound.

The kiss was apparently some kind of signal. After the sound, all of Weed's henchmen popped out and shouted "SURPRISE! WELCOME BRIAN!" Brian fell off the cork, startled, and saw a large banner unfurl reading "WELCOME BRIAN." The henchmen were cheering and applauding mockingly for Brian and Stewie, having planned the whole thing.

Professor Jonathan Weed then appeared at doorway to his throne room, clapping. "Bravo! Bravo! A marvelous performance!" He noticed Brian glaring at him with hatred, and pulled out his pocket watch, glad his plan had been working perfectly. "Though, I was actually expecting you fifteen minutes earlier… trouble with your chemistry set, boy?" Weed asked mockingly.

Brian attempted to keep cool at the insulting and hatred for his archenemy. He said in an almost friendly tone, "Jonathan Weed… no one can have a higher opinion of you than I have." He then switched to a rather unfriendly tone. "And I think you're a slimy contemptible homo douche!"

Being able to suppress being called such a thing, Weed calmly shut his watch and put it back in his pocket. "Oh by the way Brian," he chuckled, "I just LOVE your disguise." He twirled Brian's fake mustache a bit, and then said, "Let me give you a shave!" RIP! He peeled off the mustache, and then removed Brian's hat and threw it to the ground. "No one would have really recognized you," Weed sarcastically added. He nudged Brian and began to chuckle, "The greatest detective… in all of Quahog!" He began to walk away laughing.

"Jonathan Weed," Brian fumed angrily, "So help me… I'll see you behind bars yet!"

Weed said, directly into Brian's face, "You fool! Isn't it clear?" He picked up Brian by his now-visible dog collar and shook him in one hand to show his power before dropping him. "The superior mind has triumphed! I WON!" He cackled diabolically, as all of the other thugs, including Bertram, joined in on the laughing, jeering and pointing. Brian tried to ignore the insulting, but soon he could no longer help himself and he slumped, defeated and broken. Dr. Stewie didn't know how to help out by this point either…

…

A short while later, Brian and Stewie were tied up to a larger-than-life mousetrap, as Professor Weed's henchmen were setting the trap. Dr. Stewie was quite nervous and wondering how he'd get out of this alive, while Brian was just catatonically staring into space. Bertram nervously set the switch on the mousetrap and leaped away as the metal on the mousetrap vibrated a bit.

"You don't know what a delightful dilemma it was," Professor Weed explained, "trying to decide on the most appropriate method for the gruesomeness of your demise. I had so many ingenious idea that I didn't know which to choose! So, I decided… to use them all!"

He gestured around, showing a rifle, crossbow, giant novelty axe and a very large anvil with "ACME" on the side all aimed directly at the mousetrap.

"Marvelous, isn't it?" Weed said. "But let me show you how it works." He gestured to a record player, set up with a record on the turntable and a cord of some sort tied to the tonearm. The other end of the cord was tied to a cork supporting some kind of garbage can with a metal ball inside, and under that was a slide constructed of wood and pipes aimed directly at the mousetrap's trigger release.

"Picture this," Weed began. "First, a special tune I recorded especially for you, Brian! As the song plays, the cord tightens. And when the record ends, the metal ball is released, rolling along merrily until…" He then gestured to the mousetrap. "Snap!" The rifle. "Boom!" The crossbow. "Twang!" The axe. "Thunk!" And finally the anvil. "Splat!" Stewie winced at the thought. Removing his top hat, Professor Weed cruelly said, "And so ends the short UNDISTINGUISHED career of Brian of Spooner Street."

"Grr! Damn you…" Stewie cursed. "I should have known you'd set up something with zany action. A crazy contraption!"

Four cartoonish mice, one green, one red, one blue and one yellow, ran in singing, "The fun is catching, it's 'Mousetrap!'" At that last line, they held up the board game box for Mousetrap.

"I win!" Weed shouted, like the kids in those board game commercials normally would. Bertram returned, now dressed in a British guard uniform. "Is everything ready, Bertram?" Weed asked.

"All set boss!" Bertram answered, gesturing to a very large, tall white box with a pink ribbon.

Weed peeked inside and chuckled. "Oh, this is wicked… so delightfully wicked!" He closed the lid, and then his other henchmen, dressed in the British guard uniforms that Bertram had stolen from the prop museum, arrived to take the present, except for Herbert, since he needed his walker to move around.

Patrick also came in with Peter Griffin, bound in ropes, standing next to the _real_ novelty bottle that contained Meg Griffin, whom was still alive and safe… for now.

"Mr. Griffin," Weed said, "let me congratulate you on a SUPERB piece of craftsmanship." He tapped on the glass of the bottle Meg was in. "See what you can do with the proper motivation?" He cackled and slapped Peter's back, as Herbert and all the other thugs except Bertram climbed onto some kind of wagon attached to Ernie the Chicken. "Now, you all know the plan?" he reminded his henchmen.

"Yes, professor!" they all replied, as Ernie began pulling the wagon out of the lair.

"It was my fond hope to stay and witness your final scene," Professor Weed said, "but you were fifteen minutes late, and I do have an important engagement at... _Quahog City Hall._" He chuckled, and gestured toward a digital camera set up on a tripod a safe distance away from the trap area. "Now, you will remember to smile for the camera, won't you? Hmm? Maybe say cheese!"

"You jackass!" Dr. Stewie shouted from the mousetrap.

"Sorry little baby," Professor Weed said, as he was turning on the record player. "You should have chosen your friends more carefully!"

The record began, with an admittedly catchy Dixieland tune playing. A large panel on the ceiling opened as a blimp began riding out of the shadows with a large gold "W" on each side. Bertram was operating the blimp, pedaling the simple bicycle pedal-esque motor on the back. The mysterious present was already inside the gondola. As Weed climbed into the gondola, his voice on the record began singing…

"_Goodbye, so soon,  
and isn't this a crime?  
We know by now  
that time knows how to fly…_"

"_Adieu,_" Professor Weed was saying as the blimp began to rise out of the hideout. "_Auf wiedersehen. Arrivederci! _Farewell!" He chuckled. "Bye-bye, Brian."

"_Goodbye, so soon,  
you'll find your separate way.  
With time so short, I'll say so long  
and go, so soon, goodbye…_"

The blimp rose out of the lair as the ceiling closed again, sailing off into the night. In the lair, the record continued playing.

"_You followed me, I followed you,  
we were like each other shadow's for a while.  
Now as you see, this game is through  
so although it hurts…  
I'll try to smile as I say  
goodbye, so soon…_"

Meg was staring out of her bottle prison at the depressed Brian and the disbelieving Dr. Stewie.

"W-wh-what did he mean, an engagement at Quahog City Hall?" Stewie asked.

Brian sighed, and answered in an unconcerned monotone, "Haven't you figured it out yet, Stewie? The mayor's in danger and Quahog's doomed…"

"Mayor West?!" Stewie asked in shock.

…

Over at Quahog City Hall, Mayor Adam West was making himself look nice as his England-themed jubilee was nearing. As he adjusted his tie and combed his hair while humming "Rule Britannia," outside the room the real guards were ambushed and quickly replaced with Professor Weed's henchmen in disguise. They knocked on the door.

Suddenly distracted by the knocking, Mayor West asked, "Hmm? Come in!"

The door opened and Patrick Pewterschmidt entered with Herbert and Bertram, wheeling in the package. "Uh, excuse me Mr. Mayor," Patrick announced, "A present has just arrived in honor of your jubilee."

"A present?" West said. "How wonderful! Ah, I just love reelection jubilees!"

Bertram handed Mayor West the attached note. "Here you are, Batman!"

Mayor West eyed the baby suspiciously. "Have you been with us long?" He then opened the note and read it…

"To our beloved Mayor,  
This gift we send,  
as his fourteen-year reign…

Comes to an _end?_"

The final line of the note puzzled him. But he was even more puzzled when he saw Bertram, Herbert and Patrick pull the present open, revealing an exact robot duplicate of Mayor West! "How extraordinary…" he said.

Suddenly, the robot came to life, and grabbed at Mayor West, beginning to chase him around his office.

"Good God!" West shouted. The robot suddenly halted, as Professor Weed appeared at the doorway, with Peter Griffin at the controls.

"Amazing likeness, isn't it?" Professor Weed asked.

"Professor Jonathan Weed?!" Mayor West shouted. "Guards, seize this despicable creature!"

Bertram snickered, because the "guards" would only obey Jonathan Weed, whom grabbed the microphone attached to the controls and made the robot Mayor West say, "Guards, seize this despicable creature!" He laughed evilly into the microphone, giving the robot Mayor the same cruel laugh.

"How dare you!" the real Mayor West said, thrashing as the henchmen held onto him tightly.

"Aw that's lame," Peter said. "Can't we make the robot Mayor West sing this instead?" He pulled out a tape player and switched it on and began singing and dancing along with the song _Surfin' Bird_ by the Trashmen…

"_A-well-a bird, bird, bird,  
B-bird's the word,  
A-well-a bird, bird, bird,_

_B-bird's the word…_"

"SHUT UP, GRIFFIN!" Weed roared as he shut off the tape. Then he ordered to his henchmen, "Take her away!" and rang his little bell.

"Let go of me you ruffians!" Mayor West cried as the fake guards began to carry him out of the room.

"Move along, crusader!" Bertram said as he helped lift the mayor off.

As Professor Weed wiped a handkerchief on the cheek of the now-silent robot mayor, the real Mayor West whined from the hall, "You fiends! Traitors!"

…

"…_is through, so although it hurts…_" Professor Weed's voice crooned in mock sorrow on the record back in the lair, where time was running out for Brian and Dr. Stewie. Meg was also struggling to try and get out of the bottle, but to no avail. Stewie was anxious, while Brian was still indifferent.

"Brian…" Stewie asked. "Brian?"

"Oh, how could I have been so blind?" Brian moaned.

"Now, we all make mistakes," Stewie said nervously, "but we can't let that stop us! We have to…"

"Jonathan Weed has proven he's smarter than me." Brian scoffed and added, "HE never would have walked into such an obvious trap…"

"Oh, pull yourself together!" Stewie said. "You can stop that villain! Why…"

Suddenly, Dr. Stewie noticed the record was now skipping on the lyric "_so long_" over and over. Thinking this could buy some time, Stewie tried to continue knocking some sense back into the dog detective. "Brian, the record!"

"Oh, it's finally happened!" Brian mournfully said. "I've been outwitted! Beaten! Duped! Made a fool of!"

"Oh Brian, please…" Stewie said, starting to get angry.

"I've been ridiculed, belittled, betrayed…" Brian continued.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Dr. Stewie shouted, but right after saying that, the record player fixed itself, the tonearm having moved a little bit ahead from the skip. Time was running out for the two. "Damn it, Brian! The mayor's in danger, Meg is counting on us, we're about to be horribly mutilated and all you can do is lie there, feeling sorry for yourself! I know you can save us, but if you've given up, then let's just set the trap off now and be done with it!" He fumed a bit.

"_We know by now, that time knows how to fly…_" the record continued, getting closer to the end.

Brian chuckled weakly at that. "Hmm, set it off now…" Suddenly, his eyes widened, as he had gotten an idea. "Set it… off… now?" His eyes began to look a little crazy as he chuckled, "Why, yes! We… we'll set the trap off NOW!" He grinned maniacally.

"Brian, wait!" Dr. Stewie said, horrified that Brian apparently took his suggestion. "I didn't mean that…"

"…_so soon, goodbye!_" The song was now over. Stewie gasped as the tonearm moved into the lock groove at the end of the record, its attached string releasing the metal ball from its cup.

Back in his normal self, Brian eyed the ball, saying, "The angle of the trajectory multiplied by the root of an isosceles triangle…" before muttering more of the equation, then saying more clearly, "…dividing Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion…" He mumbled again as the ball continued down the trail, before concluding, "…and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium!" Dr. Stewie looked confused at first by what he just said, but then nervous, due to the impending doom.

"Stewie!" Brian ordered. "At the exact moment I tell you, we must release the trigger!" The ball loomed closer, but Stewie was now clearly terrified, as it seemed like Brian's plan was suicide. He could barely muffle his panicked fear, as Brian said, "Get ready, Stewie… steady… NOW!"

Right at that moment, as Stewie screamed, they hit the trigger, and the metal bar on the novelty mousetrap caught onto the metal ball that was stopped right between their heads. The vibrations of the bar on the ball loosened one of the pegs, ricocheting toward the rifle, causing it to misfire and hit the crossbow, changing its aim from Brian and Stewie to the axe instead. The arrow cut off the axe head, falling so its blade was lengthwise, slicing through the ropes and breaking the mousetrap, freeing the two. Brian and Stewie then leaped out of the way, just to miss the anvil crushing the damaged trap and axe.

The vibrations of the anvil impact rattled the novelty bottle Meg was trapped in, causing the cork to loosen and pop out, sending Meg flying out of the bottle. Stewie leaned against the anvil, panting in relief, while in a quick blur, Brian shed his sailor outfit to reveal his Sherlock Holmes-esque coat once again, then donning his deerstalker cap again and catching Meg with both paws. "Thank you, Stewie," Brian said. "Smile, everyone!"

The digital camera flashed, snapping a picture of the three with Brian grinning brilliantly, and Stewie and Meg both looking stunned.


	7. The Jubilee

Chapter 7:

The Jubilee

Quahog Channel 5 newscaster Tom Tucker stood outside the city hall, delivering a report…

"Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker, live and reporting on Mayor Adam West's reelection jubilee, which is being done with a Victorian London theme on his request. We now go live to inside the hall where West will be speaking, with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa, who will be covering the actual event while I join the crowd to listen to the event. Tricia?"

Inside the assembly hall, people were gathering near the stage where Mayor West was to speak. Tricia Takanawa was already there with her microphone and camera crew.

"Tom," she began, "everything is ready, and I had received a tip that Mayor West will announce some big changes to our city. The meeting should be starting any second now…"

On a balcony, Patrick and the Evil Monkey, both in their guard costumes, played a fanfare on trumpets, announcing the mayor's entrance. As a spotlight shone on the curtain, the robot Mayor West double arrived, and the crowd clapped, not realizing that it was not the true Mayor West that was about to speak.

"On this most august occasion," the robot West began, "we are gathered here, not to only commemorate my reelection as mayor, but to honor one of truly noble stature…"

Behind the curtain, Professor Weed was watching while wrapped in some kind of outfit that wasn't very clear to see at the moment. Peter Griffin was operating the robot, being forced to as Kevin Swanson had a gun pointed at his back. Herbert was also holding cue cards for Peter to read into the microphone, transforming his voice into Mayor West saying, "I present to you a statesman among others, a gifted leader, a crusader for justice, freedom and truth…"

…

Meanwhile, Bertram was dragging the real bound and gagged Mayor West over to an exterior balcony. "Over here, fatty. You gained some weight!" West's eyes widened as he saw Ernie the Giant Chicken jumping up and down, getting ready to pulverize the mayor. "Here, chick-chick-chick! Time for a new sparring partner!" Bertram called.

…

"…a majestic mountain of humility," the robotic Mayor West continued to the crowd, "and my new Royal Consort: Professor Jonathan Weed!"

At that, Professor Weed burst out from behind the curtains, wearing his kings' crown and purple robe decorated with medals. The crowd backed away, horrified. Most noticeable over the crowd gasping was Bruce the Performance Artist's "Ohhh noooo!" Jake Tucker blew a raspberry, while Tom quickly covered his mouth in fear.

…

Meanwhile, near the waterfront, Brian, Dr. Stewie and Meg climbed out of a manhole. "Chris said he'd bring the car," Brian said, and then whistled. Tires squealed as a silver Toyota Prius came swerving down the road and screeched to a halt near the threesome.

Chris Griffin climbed out of the driver's seat. "Here's the car, Brian! Jesse is also safe in Herbert's backyard."

"The game's afoot, Chris," Brian said. "Our mayor is in mortal danger!"

Chris gasped. Then he leaped into the back seat with Meg, as Stewie got in the front passenger seat and Brian behind the wheel. "I'm driving now. To Quahog City Hall!" They buckled up, Brian slammed on the accelerator and they were off…

…

At the city hall, Professor Weed began speaking. "Thank you, your honor," he said to the robotic Mayor West. "And now, as your new Royal Consort, I have a few… slight… suggestions." Weed pulled out a paper and let it fall, rolling down the aisle and well past the open doors. He cleared his throat and began. "Item one…"

Meanwhile, Bertram was still attempting to drag the bound Mayor West to his doom. West kicked Bertram a few times. "Ow, stop that!" Bertram stopped his cackling to say.

Brian sped the car past a dogcatchers' van, and pulled up to Quahog City Hall. Once there, the four entered through a back doorway, up a stairwell toward the balcony, where Bertram was about to drop West to the waiting chicken. "OK chicky, bob and weave!" Bertram said, cackling as Ernie was making fists, ready to beat up the mayor. Bertram cackled once more and said "Bye-bye!"

But just as he was about to let go of Mayor West, Brian came up and grabbed the mayor. This caused Bertram to fall over and hang for dear life from the balcony, as Ernie tried to beat him up instead. "Down, down chicky, down!" he commanded.

Chris Griffin suddenly jumped from the balcony and began to fight Ernie instead!

…

Back in the assembly hall, Professor Weed continued going over his list of tyrannical laws. "Item 96…" he snickered, "A heavy tax shall be levied against all parasites and spongers, such as the elderly…" He pointed to Carter and Barbara Pewterschmidt. "The infirm…" Weed pointed to Seamus Levine. "And especially…" he chuckled, "little children!" He leaned over and sneered at Jake. However, Jake glared at him defiantly before Tom Tucker whisked him away.

Seamus them approached the wannabe-tyrant. "That's ridiculous! You're insane!"

"Perhaps I haven't made myself clear…" Weed said, before grabbing one of Seamus's wooden peg arms. "I have the power!" he stated as he broke the wooden arm in half to emphasize this, then he threw the rest of Seamus to the ground.

"No, I do!" He-Man said as he bounded into the assembly hall on Battle Cat, holding up his magic sword.

"Of course you do, Professor," the robot Mayor West said. This caused He-Man and Battle Cat to dejectedly leave the room.

"I am SUPREME!" Weed said as he jumped onto the banister.

"Only you," the robot West agreed.

"THIS IS MY KINGDOM!" Professor Weed announced, cackling loudly as the crowd all cowered in fear under his shadow.

But behind the curtains, Brian had arrived to see Peter still being forced to operate the mechanical mayor. He had come up with a brilliant plan.

Weed stopped laughing. "That is of course, with your mayor's permission," he said modestly.

However, the robot Mayor West didn't answer right away. So Weed lightly slapped the robot dummy on the back, and it spoke out. "Most assuredly…" it began, before suddenly frowning and saying "…you goddamn fiend!"

"What?" Weed asked softly, obviously shocked by what he just heard. The crowd began frowning, knowing something was screwy.

"You're not my Royal Consort!" the robot Mayor West said.

Catching on, Weed covered its mouth, saying sheepishly, "What a sense of humor…"

But the robot mayor ducked down to uncover its mouth and say, "You're a cheap fraud and impostor, even more so than Mrs. Doubtfire!"

CUTAWAY

Mrs. Doubtfire had just boarded the crosstown bus back to the apartment of her true identity, Daniel Hilliard. The male bus driver was inviting her to a night out on the town…

"We could make beautiful music together," the bus driver said.

"Oh, I'm afraid we'd be playing the same note," Mrs. Doubtfire said.

"Huh?" The bus driver seemed confused.

"In terms of plumbing," she explained, "we flow in the same pipes through the water line…"

The bus driver was puzzled. "I don't get it."

Mrs. Doubtfire broke character and said in his true male voice, "I'm a guy."

After a second of silence, the bus driver screamed in terror! He then fell off his drivers' seat and fainted. Mrs. Doubtfire did a goofy cartoon-style laugh (_the same laugh that was heard on the late 1990s Hanna-Barbera logo_) as "she" jumped into the drivers' seat, hit the gas and drove off in the bus!

END CUTAWAY

"A vile villain!" the robot Mayor West continued.

"Griffin!" Weed shouted toward the curtain.

However, he didn't realize it, but at that moment, Peter was not at the controls. Instead, Brian had gained control of the robot and was making it try to explain the truth about the new "ruler" of Quahog. Peter and Meg quickly hugged each other, and then he ran off to take care of some quick business. Additionally, Dr. Stewie and the real Mayor West were tying up Bertram and the other guards.

"A corrupt, demented lowlife scoundrel," Brian made the robot mayor say. "There's no evil scheme you wouldn't concoct!"

Brian then jerked at the controls, causing the robot Mayor West's head to fly up and spin and bite Weed's nose. Angered even more, Weed forced the robot head back down, but both of the mechanical dummy's arms sprang out, one of them hitting Weed in the stomach. "No depravity you wouldn't commit!" it continued. Weed tried to hide the robot from the crowd's eyes, but no luck, as the crowd wasn't buying his scheme anymore. Then he tried forcing his weight on the robotic mayor, but it sprung upward, causing him to fall off.

Brian jerked even harder on the controls, noticeable anger and triumph in his voice, as outside the curtain the robot Mayor West fell apart as it spoke the following dialogue, until all that was left was the robot's eyes and teeth on springs, bouncing up and down. He made the dying robot say, "You, professor, are none other than a foul _pathicus lupae filius_, commonly known as a…" its voice wearing down.

"DON'T SAY IT!" Weed yelled, knowing what was coming up as he grabbed the destroyed robot that once resembled Mayor West.

But Brian burst out of the curtains and shouted, "GAY SON OF A BITCH!"

Professor Weed screamed in agony as he arched is back, dreading being called such a thing.

"Arrest that fiend!" Brian called. He, Dr. Stewie and the real mayor all tackled the evil professor, as others rushed forward to help. Others began to fight the rest of Weed's phony guards. Joe Swanson, in his police officer uniform, rolled in and began ramming into the back of Steve's wheelchair, with minimal success. Meg was watching from behind the curtain, not noticing that Bertram had managed to free himself from his ropes.

…

Outside, Peter Griffin was now in a major fight with Ernie the chicken, having taken Chris's place. "Go get him!" Chris cheered, as he watched the man and bird punching and kicking each other, bruises and scrapes appearing on their bodies. They leaped on each other and tumbled down a hill onto the road, where Peter suddenly realized he had to check on his daughter, so he ran off and left Ernie lying on the road, all bruised, bloodied and battered. But after he took off, after being still for a few seconds, Ernie menacingly opened one eye, showing he was still alive…

…

Back in city hall, the riot progressed, even though it wasn't as violent as the brawl at the Drunken Clam earlier. Weed managed to shed his robe and throw his attackers away. Then he heard someone whistling at him, and he turned up to see Bertram on a balcony, pulling Meg by the arm. "The girl, the girl!" he shouted, just as Peter re-entered the room and gave a horrified look.

Professor Weed jumped up, bouncing across the heads of a few people with a "klonk" on each, and then grabbed a conveniently located curtain to swing over to the balcony and grab Meg.

Brian, Dr. Stewie and Peter all ran forward, but froze in their tracks as Weed threateningly held Meg over the edge. "Stay where you are, or the girl DIES!" he scowled, and disappeared behind the curtain, taking Meg with him.

"Hurry, Stewie!" Brian urged as they ran outside, and managed to spot Professor Weed's pedal-powered getaway blimp.

"There he goes!" Brian said, pointing up to the dirigible, then leaping onto a stone fence and shouting down to his allies, "Stewie! Peter! Gather up those balloons!" He pointed to many balloons tied to the city hall gates, as Dr. Stewie and Peter went to get them. As they did, Brian lowered the large American flag from the flagpole outside the city hall, as the blimp sailed past…

DISCLAIMER: The "Mrs. Doubtfire" cutaway is based off an actual unused scene in the film, to which I altered heavily. Like Family Guy, the movie is owned by 20th Century Fox.


End file.
